FITNESS, finances, mental health, weight loss, healthy eating…
These, the most popular New Year’s resolutions for 2024, might look pretty familiar…but also pretty blaise. What about committing to an amazing sex life in the year of the dragon?
Our culture doesn’t teach us to value great sex. Most, if not all of us, have been taught that great sex is not only a trivial pursuit, but that it’s actually bad to pursue too much of it – that lust and desire are sinful, selfish, and profane.
Think about it:
- society labels people (mostly women) who love sex sluts (and not in a celebratory way);
- people (mostly men) who are deeply interested in sex perverts;
- people who masturbate often or have multiple partners nymphomaniacs;
- and people who have non-traditional erotic desires weird or dirty.
The truth is, despite the prevalence of porn and the hypersexualization of women, we live in a sex negative culture.
And rather than being encouraged to explore what we like sexually, we’re taught that good sex is just supposed to happen. That two people about to hook up are supposed to just fall into bed together and give each other multiple orgasms without any sort of conversation about consent, discussion about wants and desires, or mutual guidance on what feels good.
Whether we’re having it or not, great sex is something most of us want. And sadly, the course of most relationships often evolves to a point where, even if it was good at the start, both partners eventually settle for a subpar (or sub zero) sex life (depressing!).
Not in 2024, my friends! Whether you’re single and ready to mingle, newly partnered, polyamorous, or in a long-term relationship/marriage, this could be your year of amazing, empowering, mind-blowing sex!
I’m here to remind you that it is possible for you to have what you desire sexually. And not only that, but that you deserve it – 100%.
Contrary to what our culture tells us, for most of us, a healthy sex life is a critical component for a quality life. In fact, it’s one of the most important keys to maintaining connection and passion in long-term relationships.
Great sex deepens the emotional bond between partners, curbs anxiety and depression, increases happiness, and helps us get through day-to-day life with less stress and more pleasure.
And a high level of sexual self-awareness, self-expression and satisfaction increases confidence, vitality and overall joy.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I find these all essential in my life. What about you?
If you do too, and want to experience all of the pleasure and benefits that great sex has to offer you and your relationship (and I didn’t even talk about the health benefits of orgasms), keep reading.
In the name of a giving societal expectations the finger and having a joy and health-filled life, here are five ways to upgrade your sex life in 2024 – no matter your gender or relationship status:
- Take Your Pleasure Into Your Own Hands
It’s time to stop relying on your partner to initiate sex, turn you on, read your mind, or bring you to orgasm. When it comes to your pleasure, you and only you are the expert. And your pleasure is your responsibility.
According to The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides, there is no better tool than a woman’s own fingers to help her feel pleasure and reach orgasm. This is because of the feedback loop between her fingers and her brain that allows her to automatically adjust the pressure, location, speed and motion of how she’s touching herself in response to what she’s feeling. (That’s not to say a partner or toy can’t help!)
The same goes for you men. Don’t be afraid to show/tell your partner exactly how you like your cock touched/sucked. Let’s all stop enduring what doesn’t feel good and start giving feedback in real time during sex.
- Masturbate In a More Embodied Way
Let’s get real. Most of us are masturbating to porn… which is kind of like eating junk food. It feels really good in the moment, but if we stop checking in with our body and overdo it, we feel all greasy and gross.
Watching porn can bring us into a really disembodied state – it’s super head-focused (no pun intended!). Next time you’re masturbating, whether to porn or not, feel into your body and notice how tense you are. Check in with your shoulders, your jaw, your breath (are you breathing deeply into your pelvic floor?), your ass and asshole.
Breathe into your chest, belly and genitals, move your hips, touch your thighs, belly, breasts and anywhere else that feels good. Moan and make sounds that resonate throughout your body. If you are watching porn, close your eyes for a few breaths and just listen, or turn your back to the screen for a bit. Feel the sensations in your body.
This is not about shaming you for watching porn (I watch it, too). It’s just about doing it in a more sensual, embodied way (which, if you struggle with porn addiction, can help rewire your pleasure pathways so you can feel more turned on with a lover).
- Stop Going Straight to Intercourse
So many men I talk to rush to intercourse (penetrative sex) because they’re afraid of losing their erection or cumming prematurely. I get it! You’ve probably had partners who have taken it personally when you didn’t stay hard, or displayed disappointment when you came quickly.
There’s a lot of pressure on cocks to always be hard and last until she cums, but the truth is, it’s totally natural for arousal (blood flow) to go up and down (like a roller coaster), which has nothing to do with how turned on or attracted to someone you are.
Men, there is so much you can do that doesn’t involve your cock to pleasure a woman. You have fingers and a tongue, not to mention you can bring in toys! Let’s take some pressure off of your cock and give your lover time to warm up fully (her pussy should be craving you, let her beg for it!) before you penetrate her.
And if you struggle with PE, I think it’s super hot when my partner cums quickly, it makes me feel so desired and makes me so wet! But if you’re worried about losing your erection, try a simple silicone cock ring which can help you stay hard even after you have orgasmed.
- Start Talking About Sex
If you’re having sex, you should be talking about it! Have you ever had a proper consent conversation? Do you know your lover’s boundaries? Do they know yours? What are your core desires (the top feelings you want from sex)? And what makes you feel that way? Have you shared your fantasies with each other?
The two biggest barriers I see to people talking openly about sex are a lack of sexual self-awareness, and sexual shame from childhood (which most of us have, varying only by degree, and can show up in the form of discomfort, awkwardness or shutting down the conversation).
If you feel weird talking about sex, I have a free resource to help you! Find me on Instagram @iamallieandrews and download my Sexy Conversation Cards. You’ll be talking more openly about sex in no time!
- Expand Your Menu of Options
When it comes to sex, most people are eating off the kids’ menu. Sure, chicken fingers and fries are great from time to time, but imagine upgrading to a five-course meal, complete with wine pairings and dessert?
When was the last time you tried something new sexually? A new position, toy, role play, costume/outfit, sex act, sex club, partner, etc? We all have things we’ve thought about trying. Anal? A threesome? Swinging? It’s easy to leave these things on the shelf forever. And some fantasies are meant to be purely mental. But what about those things that you think you might really like? Why not make 2024 your year to try that thing you’ve been talking about for years?
Start by dipping your toe in. For example, do you and your love think you might like to try a threesome or sex with another couple? Start by going to a sex club without any expectations of doing anything with anyone else – and make sure you discuss your boundaries first! (For Boston locals I recommend Choice Social Club in Providence.) Or take it down another notch and create an account on an app like Feeld or FetLife.
And you don’t have to have sex in public or be in an open relationship to spice things up! There are so many ways to expand your menu. Working with a sex and intimacy coach can help you upgrade the pleasure and connection you’re experiencing from sex while staying within your unique boundaries.
CHEERS to making 2024 your sexiest year yet!
**
As a sex and intimacy coach, Allie Andrews helps people connect more deeply with themselves and their partner and have an amazing, empowering sex life. Allie is a Somatica®-Certified Sex and Relationship Coach, a Certified Holistic Health Coach and a Certified Yoga Teacher with aMasters in Education. She coaches couples and individuals virtually or in person in Portland, Maine. You can learn more and connect with Allie on her website at www.allie-andrews.com or on Facebook and Instagram @iamallieandrews.
