THE FRISKY FRIDAY MAILBAG
IS my partner enjoying sex? Does anal intercourse feel good for women? I have this kink, is it normal?
One big barrier to great sex for so many people and couples is not talking about it. Or not knowing how to talk about it in a way that can actually move the needle on their sex life.
People are afraid to tell their partner or lover things like: “I feel rejected sexually”, “I want to try something new”, “I’m not enjoying sex as much as I would like to”, “not like that, like this”. They avoid important conversations, like how their love’s medication or menopause induced low libido is impacting them, and questions like: How can I do a better job pleasuring you?
I know how hard it can be to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to sex. Shouldn’t I know this already? What if they think I’m weird? Will their feelings be hurt?
It can be scary, awkward and uncomfortable to talk about sex, and admit that we don’t have all of the answers. Which is why I started Frisky Fridays, where I open up my Instagram stories for my community to submit their questions about sex and intimacy anonymously.
And today I’m sharing four of my favorite questions and answers with you! Make sure you read until the end where I share my link so that you can submit your anonymous questions, too.
1) How do you navigate neither partner being a big initiator?
It’s tricky when both partners want to be seduced and neither wants to initiate. And it usually means a lot less sex! But this type of desire mismatch – where both partners feel more turned on in the submissive (or dominant) role – is actually quite common.
This dynamic could stem from both partners’ wanting to feel submissive, not responsible for everything, or some variation of this feeling, in bed. Or it could stem from the learned power dynamic in the relationship. For example, a powerful woman who is a mother, runs her own business and is constantly making decisions all day wants to be taken in bed. But her husband is a bit timid because her energy is so dominant in every other aspect of their life. In this case, she will long for him to seduce her, to take what he wants, and he will be waiting for her to show him the way, which will frustrate her and diminish her attraction to him.
Whether it’s a natural or learned dynamic, either way you have a situation where neither partner is initiating. (And this scenario could apply to people/couples of any gender.)
Here are some things you might try:
If you haven’t already, have an open conversation about this with your partner.
Explicitly name that this is at least one barrier to you having the sex life that you want. Share how you feel, and listen to how they feel about it.
Get into specifics about *how* you each like to be seduced.
What can your love do to seduce you? Send you sexy texts throughout the day? Stop you in the hallway for a passionate kiss? Wear a sexy outfit? Explore and caress your body without expectation?
And have them share what you can do to seduce them. (With the understanding that doing these things won’t always lead to sex.) Remember, the buildup is 90% of what makes for a great sex life, and it shouldn’t only happen in the 10 minutes before you have sex!
Take turns scheduling sex dates with each other.
Just like you each have certain household tasks that you take on, each of you can take turns being responsible for scheduling sex (literally get it on the calendar), preparing the space, and seducing the other one.
Scheduled sex doesn’t haven’t to be boring! I get that you want sex to be spontaneous (and it’s amazing when it is), but if neither partner is initiating sex it’s probably not going to happen without some intention. And for those of us in long term relationships, spontaneous sex can mean little to no sex because there is always something else to do.
Work with a sex coach.
A sex coach can be an amazing resource for couples who are dealing with a desire mismatch like this – where neither partner wants to be or feels confident in their initiator energy. They can help to develop the skills to be more dominant, reveal and merge the core erotic desires of each partner, populate the menu of options so that sex feels less stale and monotonous, and reignite passion and seduction.
2) If there’s really only one way you can get off, what’s the best way to experiment and spice things up in the bedroom for your partner?
Great sex isn’t just about the orgasm. It’s about seduction, connection, passion, playfulness, intimacy, romance, self-expression, and so much more.
And to put it differently, there are two pathways to arousal and orgasm: psychological and physiological. While some people prefer one pathway over the other, a great sex life for most of us includes both. Which means there are so many ways to spice things up! Below are some ideas. Not everything will be for you, so take what feels exciting and leave the rest.
- Sexting throughout the day
- Watching porn together
- Sensation play (with heat, cold, feathers, leather, silk, massage oils, etc.)
- Role play
- Dirty talk
- Playing with power dynamics
- Wearing a sexy outfit
- Bringing in new toys
- Anal play
- Develop your sexy skills by attending a virtual workshop through a community like Plura (previously Bloom) or Killing Kittens
- If exhibitionism is hot for either of you, go to a sex club/party (killing kittens does virtual ones too!)
3) My wife is going through menopause and it’s affecting our sex life. How do I approach her asking her to do hormone therapy or get help? The resentment is building and I don’t know what to do.
Any time there is resentment (or any hard feelings really), it’s a good opportunity to do some repair work. Our culture does not support or value aging women, so it’s likely you’re not the only one with feelings around this. Repair is an opportunity for you to take turns sharing your feelings and offering each other empathy,, without blaming each other or jumping to a solution. I teach and coach my clients through repair because it’s a process that takes practice.
So, the best way to approach this conversation is gently and without an attachment to the outcome. If I were you I’d start by checking in with her, then being vulnerable.
You could say something like: “Sweetie, I know that you’re not feeling as sexual lately and I want to better understand how this change is affecting you…Listen to her with empathy.
Next it’s your turn to be vulnerable: “It’s been hard for me because I just want you so bad/am so turned on by you and really miss having sex with you. I’m also noticing some resentment building and that doesn’t feel healthy for me or us.”
I’ve heard that HRT (hormone replacement therapy) works great for some women, while others won’t want to go that route. There are also coaches who help menopausal women address hormone health through food and lifestyle. So, ultimately she’ll have to decide what feels aligned for her.
And last but not least, I would not recommend asking her to get on hormones before asking her how you can be a better lover to her. She may need you to go slower, stimulate her in new and different ways, or bring more seduction into your daily life and what that looks like will be unique to her.
4) Is it pleasurable for women during anal intercourse? Any tricks or tips.
Every woman is unique when it comes to what brings us pleasure! Some women love anal (even more than vaginal penetration) and others don’t. The anus is close to the G-spot (and P-spot), and has a lot of nerve endings, which is why anal play can be super pleasurable. But everyone’s anatomy is slightly different.
If she’s game to try, here are some tips for making anal more pleasurable:
- Always get consent before touching and especially before penetrating the ass hole. (There may be some women who would not want you to ask first. Either way, ask her before having sex what she prefers. You could say something like: Do you want me to ask you before touching or penetrating your ass hole?)
- Take lots of time to get her super turned on. Her pussy should be swollen (her version of an erection).
- Encourage her to breathe into her butt and relax.
- Use TONS of lube (I love coconut oil, unless you’re using a condom, then choose something water based so it won’t break).
- Start by massaging her asshole, then use your finger, slowly working up to a small butt plug, and increasing in size overtime until eventually she might feel ready for your cock.
- Go really slow.
- If she likes clitoral stimulation, use a vibrator or she can use her fingers to stimulate. She could also use a toy internally if she prefers that.
DO you have a question you’d like to ask me?
- Submit it anonymously here: ngl.link/iamallieandrews
- Follow me on Instagram @iamallieandrews and I’ll answer your question on the next Frisky Friday!
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As a sex and intimacy coach, Allie Andrews helps people connect more deeply with themselves and their partner and have an amazing, empowering sex life. Allie is a Certified Somatica® Sex and Relationship Coach, a Certified Holistic Health Coach and a Certified Yoga Teacher with a Master’s in Education. She coaches couples and individuals virtually or in person in Portland, Maine. You can learn more and connect with Allie on her website at www.allie-andrews.com or on Facebook and Instagram @iamallieandrews.
