What I Wish Every Straight Man Knew About Women’s Pleasure
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by Allie Andrews, Certified Certified Somatica® Sex & Intimacy Coach, with professional imagery by Eric Snyder & Shaunna Legatos from ‘White Sheet Sessions’
AS A SEX AND INTIMACY COACH, one of the most common desires that I hear from heterosexual men is that they feel most turned on when their lover is aroused, eager, no longer in her head, fully embodied in their bliss and needing to fuck.
Men love it when their lover expresses herself with uninhibited moans and movement – showing them that – without any doubt – she’s enjoying herself. They love that animalistic passion that consumes her when she’s overcome with pleasure, especially when that pleasure is their doing.
If you’re a straight man reading this, you may be thinking: YES! How do I create more of these moments of disinhibition and other-worldly pleasure for my girl?
Here are 5 things women wish every straight man knew about their pleasure:
1- Don’t go straight for the vulva.
Most women don’t like to be touched in a goal-oriented way (unless we’re about to orgasm!). And vulvas like a lot of warm up. (Here’s a little anatomy lesson because most people get this wrong: The vulva includes the labia, clitoris and vaginal opening – which can be quite sensitive and pleasurable – while the vagina is the muscular tube that connects the vulva and the cervix.)
A lot of men make the mistake of touching the vulva before we feel ready. And when we are ready to be touched there they go straight for the clitoris or penetration. Slow down! Spend more time than you think warming up the rest of her body. Sensually touch her and see where you get more of a response. Ask her if there is anywhere or way she loves to be touched or doesn’t like to be touched so you know where to focus and avoid.
And when you sense it’s time to move toward her vagina, ask her if she’s ready before you reach for it. (There are exceptions to this! Some women would not want to be asked. Check in with her about this by asking: Do you want me to ask you before touching or penetrating your vagina?). Better yet, let her guide your hand there. If and when she gives you consent, start by cupping your hand around her pussy so that she can feel the heat from your hand and crave your touch. Use plenty of lube to massage her lips before going to the clitoris. Tease her a bit! If you’re going down on her, use a flat tongue to lick her entire vaginal area like an ice cream cone before going directly for her clit.
2- We’re all wired differently.
Each vulva and vagina are innervated in a unique way, such that where and how we feel pleasure and reach orgasm varies from person to person. Some clitorises may be too sensitive for direct stimulation, preferring over-the-hood contact or a circular motion just around it. And some vaginas may have more nerve endings around the cervix, making cervical orgasms more readily available.
Additionally, while we all have the same parts, they come in different shapes and sizes. For example, the arms of the clitoris (which extend internally and become engorged when aroused) may be longer, making anal sex more pleasurable. Or the urethral sponge (commonly known as the G-spot) may be positioned close to the opening of the vagina or further inside, affecting how she reaches a G-spot orgasm.
So slow down and take your time learning her unique body. You can even map her genitals together, focusing time and attention on the different parts to see where she feels the most pleasure.
3- There is no “superior” or “right” way to orgasm.
I hear from a lot of men that they want to get their lover to orgasm through penetration alone, and a lot of women come to me with this desire, too. This idea that internal, vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms has been perpetuated throughout history (namely by Freud), but it’s simply bullshit.
Many vulvas require some form of external, clitoral stimulation to come, and others do not (a testament to point 1 above). And the best source of that stimulation may be her own fingers, or possibly a vibrator. So if you want to help your lover experience more pleasure, normalize and celebrate her touching herself or using a vibrator during penetration (tell her how sexy she looks when she does it and how good you want her to feel!).
While knowing vulva anatomy and learning your lover’s unique pleasure points is important, there is so much more that goes into a woman’s orgasm than just stimulating one or two body parts. It’s about knowing and stirring her unique desires (the feelings she wants to feel from sex), being attuned to her pace and movements, and encouraging her to be greedy for stimulation, whether that be running a fantasy through her mind or incorporating other things that turn her on during sex.
4- We don’t always need your cock, or hours of intercourse, to have a good time.
There are so many ways you can give us pleasure and help us orgasm that don’t involve P in V, or your erect cock. Pornographic sex and even the sex represented in movies often depicts a quick escalation to P in V, with maybe a touch of foreplay. But just like rom coms don’t offer a realistic portrayal of love, the majority of porn isn’t a genuine representation of sex, nor of women’s pleasure.
Sex can look so many different ways, so let’s stop making intercourse the main course. And take some pressure off of your erect cock to do it all. Don’t forget, you also have fingers, lips, a tongue and other body parts, too!
While there are some penis shapes and sizes, as well as different sex positions, that can stimulate the G-spot, often the best way to help your woman reach a G-spot orgasm is by using your finger(s) – check if she likes one, two or more – or a curved wand.
5- We may not always speak up when something doesn’t feel good.
Women are groomed to put other people’s comfort, wants and pleasure before our own. While many of us are working hard to overcome this “good girl” conditioning (which can actually be a lot of fun to play with during sex!), it is still deeply ingrained. This can cause us to bypass our own boundaries during sex, sometimes not speaking up when something hurts or just isn’t doing it for us.
If you want to be a better lover, it’s important that you create an atmosphere where your partner feels comfortable sharing what she likes and doesn’t like. This means you have to start being more open about what you like and don’t like, too! Scary, I know…
Simple phrases like “slower”, “faster”, “softer”, “more pressure”, or asking “what would make this even better for you?” can go a long way to create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe to redirect.
Some people love to give real time feedback on how they want to be pleasured, while others want you to figure it out on your own. Ask her what she prefers, and if she likes the latter, figure it out with enthusiasm and track her with your whole body: Listen with your ears, your hands and your intuition. Does she pull back or open up? Is she quiet or moaning with pleasure? Is she holding her breath and stiff or breathing and moving freely?
I hope this gets you a step closer to helping your partner achieve her wildest pleasure with your expert touch!
Pillow Talk would like to extend a very warm thank you to Eric Snyder and Shaunna Legatos for sharing their incredible work in their “White Sheet Sessions” project for this column. Shaunna Legatos is an amazing soul with a gift for healing. She has an innate understanding of the human spirit and human sexuality and shared her personal journey with BostonMan Magazine in May 2022 opening up to the H.E.R Page section of this magazine, which you can read HERE.
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As a Certified Somatica® Sex & Intimacy Coach, Allie Andrews guides individuals and couples to form deeper connections and have better sex. She’s passionate about helping people be more embodied and embrace their sexuality, feelings, needs, desires, and boundaries so that they can experience more self-love, pleasure and intimacy. Allie offers a Free Consultation for anyone who is interested in working with her. You can learn more and schedule a consult on her website www.allie-andrews.com and instagram (@iamallieandrews). Allie lives in Portland, Maine with her fiancé Ryan and tabby cat Bindi.
